Lately, I've been listening to Metric's latest album hardcore. It has me thinking lawts. You know the celluloids and the make believes. Where I'm going, how i'm getting there. If I'm comfortable in my own skin or not. The so called big questions that everyone's dying to get answered. But then again that kind of stuff is always on my mind. I hope it's on everyone elses as well.
Honestly, I've just been thinking about myself. I'm wondering if I'm discontent as of late with most things in my life right now because that's what most of society, the world, people around me tell me I should be or if I'm really feeling this way because I need/want a change. I feel uncomfortable about a lot of things in my control ; my reinventing hasn't gone far enough , at least in the direction I want it to go towards. This healthy image of mind , body, and soul has been deteriorating one day at a time. I don't mean the usual "healthy" of being a stereotypical meat head, a puritan of heart, or meditating all day. I just mean for myself ; someone I can be comfortable with , without looking at the mirror and saying "What happened to us." This life of mine is now a constant battle of Me vs. Living. I'm currently losing, time to take the gloves off and even the score , because I refuse to believe this is an unfair match in any way with all these tricks up my sleeve! "Every living thing pushed into the ring, fight it out to wow the crowd. Guess you thought you could just watch ;No one's getting out without Stadium Love!"
I'm in this limbo of a world, not content but neither discontent enough to do anything about it. Maybe this is caused by comparing myself too much to the normal world at large. But it's hard not to see yourself in a different light when it's apparent you're not like the 500 billion other entities around you. Do I fret so much over nothing? Over the fact that I'm completely different and an oddity amonst such frequent characters. I'm honestly more afraid that I'm just a minor supporting character ; the person that is sacrificed to move the story along. Powers taken away, just to meet an end. Used to capture the flag and forgotten about for the sake of victory. But that's ok , we still won! This sneaking suspicion in the back of your mind that tells you that you're nothing beneath extraordinary can easily be underminded. Ironically it's the main reason that I feel uneasy half the time. I'm trying to step up to the challenge, even if a good majority around me have silver spoons and I use my hands like a barbarian. Once I depart from this life, at least I can say I was extraordinary in my own respect ; Brilliant to myself , because self relevance has some sort of worth...right?
The easy jokes are beginning to seep under the skin and create a poison reaction. Taint me with doubt and rid me of the confidence (the few of it) I had. They shouldn't even affect me, I don't know why they randomly do just that. Such uncreative discourse should not change how I feel. But it's still good to know I've got the whole world fooled. This barricaded facade will only fall down with nukes. To bad war is right at our doorsteps everyday. Just a matter of time...
Lets hope a change of scenery, situations, stipulations, and a snake named Paco will make the world a little more bright.
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